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Verbal Abuse
The secular world has "Dr. Phil,"
but now the Christian community has
"Dr. Jay."
Dr. Jay Grady has just written a
thought-provoking book on the problem of Verbal Abuse. Is verbal abuse worse
than physical abuse? Unfortunately, the answer to that question, according to
Dr. Jay, is Yes!
Millions of hurting people, especially women, need to be
set free from the effects of verbal abuse. Dr. Jay emphasizes that now is the
time to spread an awareness of the seriousness of the problem.
This recently-published book has the potential of
forever changing its readers' lives, marriages, and other relationships. It
addresses many issues regarding verbal abuse, including but not limited to, the
following:
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improves ability to identify and understand verbal
abuse
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strengthens areas of the inner being that may cause
one to become a target of verbal abuse
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renders information to achieve emotional, physical
and spiritual healing
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provides information to assist in breaking the cycle
of verbal abuse
In his book, Dr. Jay introduces a therapeutic model he
terms Word Therapy, which is used to help lead victims of verbal abuse into
emotional, physical and spiritual healing. A couple of endorsements among many
state: "I know this book will do a lot of good for hurting people." Dodie
Osteen--Lakewood Church. Stop Verbal Abuse is a must-read book. Dr. Jay
identifies the characteristics of the abuser and ministers to the abused." Rev.
Betty Tapscott --Tapscott Ministries.
Jay Grady holds a Ph.D. in Christian counseling from
Therapon University where he graduated with honors. He is a leading authority
in the area of verbal abuse and verbally abusive relationships. Dr. Jay has
been licensed and ordained for thirty-nine years. He has been involved in
leadership positions of several churches, serving as an associate or senior
pastor. His years of ministry, counseling hundreds of individuals, certainly
qualify him as an authority in helping hurting people
Dr. Jay is the Founder and CEO of Therapeia Publishing
and Dr. Jay Ministries. He lives in Houston, Texas with his wife Sue, and they
have four children and one grand-daughter. He and his wife Sue are co-founders
of Healing Hurts Christian Counseling Center.
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WHAT IS VERBAL ABUSE?[1]
by Dr. Jay Grady, Ph.D.
We can define verbal abuse as words that attack or
injure an individual, words that cause one to believe an untrue statement, or
words that speak falsely of an individual. Verbal abuse constitutes
psychological violence. Verbal abuse is damaging to the spirit. It takes the
joy and vitality out of life. Although it would be impossible to estimate the
number of individuals in verbally abusive relationships, we can assume that
millions of people around the world are limited in their pursuits of happiness.
Why? Because low self-esteem and lack of confidence can be a direct result of
having been undermined by verbal abuse.
A verbally abusive relationship can be compared to the
story of the frog placed in a pan of water and placed on a stove. The fire
under the pan is slowly increased. At first the frog swims around happy, with
no worries in the world. As the heat increases, however, he becomes more and
more uncomfortable until at last the heat is too much and he dies. The
temperature of the water increases gradually, therefore the frog did not detect
the problem early enough to do anything about it. Unless verbal abuse is dealt
with early, the relationship may eventually die as well.
The underlying premise of verbal abuse is control, which
is a means of holding power over another. Unlike physical abuse, there are no
outer signs of injury, like bruises, and black eyes. Broken bones may not exist
but there will be damage.
Let's take a moment and look at a classic example of
verbal abuse and its focus on control, one of its primary characteristics. In
January 1971, a television program aired that would become an overnight success
and was one of the longest running television shows of all time. It would be
one of America's favorite TV shows for years. The name of the show was All in
the Family. America's families would sit in front of their TV sets and roar
with laughter, as Archie, the head of the fictional Bunker family, would berate
his poor wife, Edith, by steadily referring to her as "dingbat." He would also
insult his son-in-law, Michael calling him "Meathead" and would put down his
daughter, Gloria, for marrying Michael. No one went away untouched by his
vicious mouth. We tried to label him a "bigot" and maybe he was, but a better
name would have been a "Verbal Abuse Batterer."
Even today the show is shown around the world and people
continue to laugh at other's misfortune. The one thing that the producers of
the show did bring out was that Edith was a person with low self-esteem and
totally insecure. And just think we sat there and laughed, thinking it was
funny. The next time you are sitting in front of the TV and watching your
favorite show, try this, listen to see if there is any verbal abuse or control
being used. Be alert to name-calling or put-downs. You will be surprised by
what you see. During the years that All in the Family aired, they only had one
episode where Edith had enough courage to leave Archie, but because of her low
self-esteem and insecurity, she came back. Unfortunately, this is another
characteristic of the verbally abused person. This show was and still is a sad
commentary as to how far Americans and the world have drifted from what was once
a fairly decent society to the place where we laugh at others pain. I am fully
aware that this was only a TV show and the family was not real, but the theme
and content of the show give one something to think about.
In her book The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Patricia
Evans states "verbal abuse is a kind of battering which does not leave evidence
comparable to the bruises of physical battering. It can be just as painful, and
recovery can take much longer. The victim of verbal abuse lives in a gradually
more confusing realm."
RELATIONSHIP ABUSE.
In the co-authored book, It's my Life Now, Meg Kennedy
Dugan M.A. and Roger Hock, PhD. make this statement, "there is no single
definition of relationship abuse. Each intimate relationship is unique and each
abusive intimate relationship is unique too." However as you look back on your
relationships, you will discover certain signs, clues and characteristics that
will demonstrate clearly if the relationships are unhealthy or abusive. Two of
these signs are common to virtually all cases of relationship abuse."
First, relationship abuse usually involves a pattern of
abusive events. Except in rare cases, a single incident usually does not
constitute abuse. Instead, there is typically a pattern of repeated destructive
behavior that escalates over time.
Second, abusive relationships involve the use of power
and control. The abuser's goal is to ensure that he or she is in complete
control of you and the relationship. Their controlling tactics may be subtle
and not easily recognized. It may seem that their taking control of your time,
friends, and daily activities was a sign of caring and wanting only the best for
you. As time went by, the control you once had over your life disappeared.
Gradually using a wide range of strategies, they were able to render you totally
powerless and place themselves in complete control of the relationship. Verbal
abuse can be extremely painful and damaging and its effects long lasting. It
could be termed a "SILENT KILLER." As with physical violence, verbal abuse can
take many forms, but the goal is to change your self point of view. Verbal
abuse is designed to make you feel powerless.
One of its main focuses is to make you feel
"worthless." Verbal abuse takes a tremendous emotional toll! Here is a partial
list of behaviors that are included in verbal abuse.[2]
| 1. Yelling |
7. Intimidating |
13. Name-calling |
| 2. Accusing |
8. Humiliating |
14. Belittling |
| 3. Using sarcasm |
9. Putting you down |
15. Rejecting your opinion
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| 4. Threatening |
10. Ridiculing |
16. Criticizing |
| 5. Insulting |
11. Blaming |
17. Mocking |
| 6. Treating you with scorn
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12. Disparaging your ideas
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18. Trivializing your desires
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In the book Free Yourself From An Abusive Relationship
Andrea Lissette, M.A. CDVC and Richard Kraus, Ph.D. the co-authors make the
statement "We find abuse is like a thief in the night destroying, plundering and
devastating its victims. It causes damage, destruction, emotional and physical
pain, severe loss and disfiguration, and leaves lasting scars. Verbal abuse can
creep into a relationship slowly as humiliating comments or devastating
criticism: "You'll never understand this no matter how may times I explain
it." " What are you doing this time, dummy?" "You look ridiculous!" Verbal
abuse can be open and in- your-face or it can be subtle and devious. Verbal
abuse betrays love, ends trust and destroys life."
As common as verbal abuse is, many people are unsure
whether they are being verbally abused. Many do not know what to do even if
they become aware that they are being verbally abused. Abusers lie and
manipulate their victims. They blame the victims for the abuse and they deny
their abusive acts. Because of this and the danger involved, it is difficult
for victims to confront the abuser in their relationships. THE IMPORTANT KEY
HERE IS THAT THE VICTIMS RECOGNIZE THAT THEY ARE SUFFERING FROM VERBAL
ABUSE.[3]
1. Dr. Jay Grady, Stop Verbal
Abuse, ((Houston, TherepiaPublishing 2003), 23-24
2. Ibid., 30
3. Ibid., 32
Return to Verbal Abuse,
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