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Verbal Abuse
PATRICIA EVANS is an interpersonal communications
specialist and the author of three books on the topic of verbal abuse. She
is also a consultant, speaker and trainer.
Founder of Evans Interpersonal Communications Institute
(EICI), offering workshops and information on interpersonal communications, she
has brought the subject of verbal abuse to the forefront of American
consciousness--naming and defining verbally abusive relationships when they were
still unnamed and undefined.
Patricia has written four books on the subject of verbal
abuse: The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out, Teen
Torment and Controlling People She highly recommends her latest book,
Controlling People, which deals with how to recognize understand and deal with
people who try to control you.
Evans has spoken on the devastating effect of this
"secret form of control" on more than two hundred radio shows, and many national
television programs, including the Oprah Winfrey Show, Sonya Live-CNN, Fox News
and News Talk.
A native Californian, Patricia Evans is dedicated to
bringing clarity to interpersonal communications. Her website is
www.verbalabuse.com/indexmain.shtml where you can read more articles and buy
her books.
Verbal Abuse in Relationships
by Patricia Evans
Most people recognize name-calling as verbal abuse, but
name-calling is just one of more than a dozen categories of verbal abuse.
Typically, people who are put down in verbally abusive relationships think that
somehow, the way they're being treated has something to do with them. They
have the impression that there is something about themselves that makes their
loved one mad at them, apprehensive of them, distant toward them, fed up with
them, unbelieving of them, or disdainful of them.
Since verbally abusive relationships have been ignored
by our culture for thousands of years and since there are so many forms of
verbal abuse from the most subtle to the most direct, it is not easy for people
in abusive relationships to understand what is going on. For this reason, I
have written a book that thousands of people say helps them more than anything
else they've read to recognize verbal abuse right when it's happening.
Conversely, people who frequently indulge in verbal
abuse may have little if any conscious awareness of what they are doing. This
idea may seem strange to people looking in on an abusive relationship. But many
people have told me that they were frequently abusive and never thought anything
about their behavior.
Abusers are Often Blind to Their Abusive Behavior
1. If people, in relationships believe that they are
entitled to give orders--that it is their right--they don't necessarily think
that ordering their mate around is abusive. They usually think that their
assumed rights, prerogatives and privileges make this kind of behavior okay.
They are then blind to their abusive behavior.
2. Similarly, they may think that they have a right to
put down their partner, or to tell their partner what s/he's thinking, meaning,
and so forth. They might think they are entitled to act the way they do because
of their age, because they've been around the place longer, are of a superior
gender or race, or because they make more money than their mate. Their sense of
entitlement blinds them to their abusive behavior.
3. The abuser may think verbal and/or physical
abuse-acts against their mate-are justified because their mate "makes them do
it." Many people who batter both verbally and physically, and are jailed as a
consequence, believe it is their mate's fault-as if their mate did the verbal
and physical battering. This "crazy" thinking blinds them to their abusive
behavior.
4. The abuser may hold a belief in the right of one
person to wield power over another person. This belief blinds abusers to their
abusive behavior.
5. People who indulge in verbal abuse are also blinded
to their abusive behavior when they are lacking in the ability to acknowledge
and accept their mate's feelings, interests, talents, perspectives and opinions.
In these relationships, verbal abuse creates pain and
trauma and can lead to physical illness. Ongoing abuse is stressful, no matter
how much one tries to ignore it. Stress compromises the immune system leaving
the abused person vulnerable to a host of illnesses. Back pain and exhaustion
are often the first symptoms.
On the other hand, people can occasionally feel so upset
or frustrated that they say something that is abusive, but when they realize how
they've come across they apologize and say what they mean in a non-abusive,
healthy, way.
If there isn't a feeling of goodwill and understanding
between two people in their relationship, if one is hurting and feeling
constantly put down by actual comments, for instance, "You can't do anything
right," You aren't listening," or is frequently yelled at, then that person is
probably in a verbally abusive relationship.
Some people spend a lot of time trying to determine
which gender is the most verbally abusive. I don't think that kind of debate is
productive. When I wrote the first book to name and describe a "verbally
abusive relationship," I not only defined verbally abusive relationships but
also was first to say that although the book is based on women's experiences,
"Men too experience verbal abuse." Now I am getting agreement. Some men are
"coming out" about the pain and confusion they feel in a verbally abusive
relationship. Several hundred of the approximately twenty thousand people I've
heard from are men who are in these abusive relationships.
Some people think "You've got to learn to take it. Let
it roll off your back; it never hurt me. I'm successful." But one might ask,
"Does being verbally abused make someone a better, healthier person?"
SEPARATED?
If you are separated from your loved one and wonder if
there is change, please consider the following case.
A couple were separated. One person (A) wondered if the
other had changed but realized the other (B) had not because of B's relentless
pressure exerted on A to come back. Never once did B ask, "How do you feel?
What do you want?"
If you are facing this kind of pressure, it might be
helpful to ask yourself the following questions.
DO YOU WISH TO HEAR:
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What do you want?
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What bothers you about being around me?
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Do you like constant calls or emails from me?
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How do you feel when you come to the house?
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How do you feel after seeing me?
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What do you envision as best for your future?
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Are you interested in hearing my vision for us again,
or do you feel usurped by my constantly telling you how you should be?
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Are you interested in hearing me tell you what I want
from you hundreds of times a week?
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Do I sound selfish?
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Have I shown an interest in your reality, experience,
hopes, dreams?
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Are you experiencing trauma from the things I said and
did for years?
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Do You shake when you see me?
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Can you heal from this trauma?
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Do you believe you could like a person who has been
self-centered and abusive for a long time?
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